Coming Back to Life

Brown Girls,

Ever had that feeling when it seems like everything is ok, but something also may not be right? The only issue is that you're not sure where it stems from, nor exactly what it may be. The feeling is just.. there.. existing in you.

I have that feeling right now. I'm focused, but I'm also lost. I'm here, but then again I'm not. So, let's speak about the real issue. The real issue is that I'm depressed. It's hard to admit, but that's exactly my problem. Not being able to accept things as they are. I'm so numb to everything that's going on around me. I always think about the "what if's" and "I should've" when, I've done everything I was supposed to. This is how my life is written out for me.

It's the first week of 2020 and it started off FANTASTIC, how could I possibly feel like this, so suddenly? Well, I'm alone and isolated. I'm not distracted by activities, friends, nor family. I have this time to myself to understand what the hell is going on with me mentally. These are the times I cherish most because I'm able to come back to my "normal" self and interact with those that matter the most.

This is therapy. If you cannot learn to be alone then you will always rely on someone else to be present with you in order to be happy. Basically, giving others the power to control your happiness. You must learn to be comfortable in your own skin and in your own company. Things will not always go the way that you initially plan it. This is when it hits you that you are living this thing called life. Life isn't always fair, so it seems. We always have that strong urge in an event when you really f**cked something up and want to automatically take it back. The greatest lesson is that you must always think about your actions or words before you actually do it. As for the toughest pill to swallow? You cannot control others, but only yourself.

So, why are we giving others the power to control how we feel and operate from the day-to-day basis?

Have you ever been in love? Thought you needed that person all of the time because the both of you spoke all day, every day? Thought your lover was your bestest friend, just for them to turn around and sh*t on you? Though we usually yearn for explanations and answers to our questions to better understand; trying to get closure is just an excuse to stick around and reel them back into your grasp. (Love sucks, only sometimes).

I won't lie, it hurts. It hurts like hell. But, how can we overcome this and become an even better and STRONGER woman than you were before them? Do you remember WHO you were before they came into your life? Do you remember the goals you set before they had input? Who are you now?

That's when these times with ourselves are most important. Come back and find you. Light a candle or some sage. Drink some wine or have a glass of water. Play some tunes or relax in the tub. Find relaxation and chase your thoughts. CRY if you must!

I'll ask a few questions and I want you to answer as we go down: Answer out loud!

1. Who are you?

2. How old are you?

3. Do you feel like you've failed?

4. Do you understand you have your whole entire life ahead of you to come back harder after a failed attempt?

5. What makes you happiest?

6. For the past month, what has been bothering you?

7. Have you spoke to anyone about it?

Let's stop at question number 7. Who are those that you confide in when times are tough? These people are the least judgemental and the ones that'll always answer when you call, no questions asked! Have you checked up on them lately? Some of us are so used to being the "strong friend" when sometimes even WE need someone to lean on when we're mentally carrying too much. Ask your friend the questions I asked you up above. Let them hear their answers to remind them that they are amazing! Sometimes, a reminder is necessary.

We lose sight of the progress that we've made thus far, envying what we do not have and also what may not be for us. We're trapped in the social media bubble where we showcase just to "flex" and hear those "oooh and aaahs". We loved to get gassed! But, other than a few seconds of attention... then what?

When you were in elementary school, the teacher always asked you "what do you want to be when you get older?", now it's "what are your short and long term goals?". I'm here to make you ask yourself, what is the goal for right NOW, to get to the main goal? How are you working toward that? Remembering what the true goal is can become a blur, especially when you're mentally drained. Relaxation and quality time (with yourself) will bring you back.

I have to always remind myself to go at my own pace and not someone else's. I'm putting in work and making sure it's quality. Over the summer, someone told me that I don't really want to win because I haven't put anything creative content out (regarding my productions). I took my time and planned, scratched it out, and planned again. Now, I'm a producer with a company that continuously puts out new content whether it's on Netflix, Google Play, Amazon, YouTube or Instagram. ME! Little ol' Lynn, you know, the one that was not putting anything creative out and that was "dragging her feet"? It took time with myself and revaluation on "wtf is my goal?!" for me to be in the position I am.

Anything is possible.. especially if you believe!

So Brown Girl, let's pour up a glass and get a few aromas in the air. Let's throw on some Sadè and just enjoy our own company. This is you coming back to LIFE!

I'll sip to that!